Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
