And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
