If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
