I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
