a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
