hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
