Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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