FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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