It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
