If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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