My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
