just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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