You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
