Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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