Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
