my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
