I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
A bitchslap is in order.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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