I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
