it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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