She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
