dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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