chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
