I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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