I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
