A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
