Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
