My room smells like vodka and shame
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
