I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
