seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
