Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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