I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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