Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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