I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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