Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
