Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
