i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
where are my eyebrows?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
