Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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