You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
