god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize