Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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