How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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