you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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