I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
