she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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