tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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