when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
