Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
