she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
