someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
lol hangovers are for mortals.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
