Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
