i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
