I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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