we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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