can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
