Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
