On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize