do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
