Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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