I have demons in me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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