The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
