Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
