I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
