I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize