I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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