I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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