I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
