I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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