I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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