I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
