how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
