my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
