Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
